Spend your money on beer, not salsa!

I know this isn't a picture of salsa, I just wanted to use it because my cat is up to no good in the background. Anyway, on with the salsa!

A friend of mine (Shout out to APB!) handed down this easy salsa recipe years ago, and I haven't bought salsa since. Okay, that's a lie. But I only rarely buy it.

Here's What You're Gonna Need:
(all measurements are "about...")

1 big clove of garlic, smashed
1 jalapeno (seeds and ribs in or out--it's up to you!), diced
1 small green chile, diced*
a palmful of cilantro
2 cups of diced tomatoes* (A smaller tomato like Roma works best. Scoop out seeds.)

*If you don't have fresh tomatoes and chiles, you can also use a can of diced tomatoes with chiles, or just leave the chile out.

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:

Put all of the ingredients together and either use a stick blender on it like I do, or pulse it in the food processor. THE END. It's really that easy. Why would you ever buy salsa again???

For a lighter salsa, try adding lime (garlic optional here) or, for a smokier taste, substitute a chile in adobo for the jalapeno.

Portobello and Spinach Penne

Portobello and Spinach Penne
serves about 4

Here's What You're Gonna Need:

3-4 cloves of garlic, smashed and minced
1 tsp red pepper seeds (less if you're a wimp)

16 oz portobello mushroom caps (about 4 large caps), cut in half and sliced thin (gills on or off, your call)
2 tsp dried basil (we'll rock this fresh come spring and I'll let you know the adjustment)
12 oz fresh spinach (baby spinach or big leaves torn up to look like the heads of presidents)

4 Tbs butter
1/4 cup all purpose flour
2 cups milk (skim or 2% -- Cream or half and half is delicious and a convenient and mess-free way to off someone via heart attack. But you didn't hear that here.)
3 Tbs soy sauce
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

10-12 oz. whole grain or "Plus" penne
salt & pepper to taste
grated Parmesan, optional

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:
Don't be afraid of the lengthy instructions--it's not as complicated as it looks.

Preheat the oven to 350. Salt your pasta water and get it boiling.

Get yourself a big ass pan with a lid. Saute the garlic and red pepper seeds in a couple of table spoons of extra virgin olive oil over medium low heat for about 2-3 minutes, or until garlic starts to speak (preferably in a deep and sultry voice). Don't burn it or let it turn brown--we're just trying to flavor the oil here.

Add portobellos and basil, and allow the mushrooms to get soft and give up some of their moisture-about 3 minutes. You can use a little more olive oil here if you need to.


Add spinach to the pan in fist fulls, tossing in the oil and mushrooms as you go. Once the spinach is coated, knock the heat down to low, put the cover on the pot, and let it sit for five or ten minutes while you pour yourself a glass of wine and gather the other ingredients and get your penne cooking. You want it to come out al dente. I take mine off one minute before the instructions on the package say to.

Once the spinach is wilted, transfer the mushroom and spinach mixture to a holding bowl while you rock the sauce. You don't need to wash your pan, just get the big pieces of mushrooms and spinach out.

Back to the pan! The butter goes in over medium low heat. Once it's melted, whisk in the flour until it's smooth and golden brown. Slowly add the milk and continue to whisk so it starts to thicken. Stir in the soy sauce, then the cheese. Let it all melt and give it a couple of good stirs.

Put the pasta back in the pan with the cheese sauce. Stir in the mushroom and spinach mixture. Give it a taste and season with salt and pepper if you would like to do so. Mine was good as is.


Transfer everything to a lightly greased 9x13 baking dish. Top with grated parm if you would like to, then put it in the oven for 20 minutes. Eat and be glad.

Winter Vegetables and Barley

Nothing funny or even remotely amusing happened in the making of this dish so I don't have a story for you, but it's really good so you should read the recipe and make it anyway. Old Man Winter (huh?) wants you to.

Winter Vegetables and Barley
(Okay, fine, green beans aren't a "winter vegetable," but you have to reach into the freezer to get them and that'll make your hand cold and wintery so in AmyLand they count.)

Here's What You're Gonna Need:

1 cup quick-cooking barley (uncooked)
1 big ol' butternut squash, cut into big bite sized in cubes*
6ish carrots, sliced into reasonable sized pieces for consumption
1 small onion (or 1/2 of a big one), chopped
2 cups frozen cut green beans
2 cans stewed tomatoes (don't drain them, but go at the tomatoes with a fork or a pair of scissors to break them up a little )
2 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped up
1 cup vegetable broth
a pinch of salt & pepper

*You can cut off the ends of this bad boy and just peel him with a good vegetable peeler. If you're of the peel-with-knife tribe, this chore will be easier for you if you steam the entire squash for about 2 mins (turn it so all sides get a taste of steam) then throw it in cold water before you peel it. This is loosen the skin up for you. To cube your squash, cut it in half down the middle, scoop out any seeds or stringy mess, then go about your slicing and dicing. Big pieces are okay here--maybe an inch or so.

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:
(pay attention, it's complicated)

Preheat oven to 375. Put everything in a big casserole dish or pyrex. Cover said dish and put it in the oven for a little over an hour,* or until your kitchen stabbing device stabs the squash and carrots with ease (start stabbing at an hour). Take it out, stir it up, and consume.

*Short cut: If you need your veggies and barley done a little sooner, steam the cut squash and carrots in a steam basket for about 10 mins while you're prepping everything else. This'll cut at least 20 mins off your bake time.

Greens and Beans, the Musical Dish...

Like most grandmas, mine just cooks from the heart and knows exactly what to do as she goes along. Trivial matters such as amounts, timing, etc. matter not because grandmothers just use their 6th sense, the good cookin' one, which makes delicious meals as natural as breathing to them. My grandmother makes a different kind of greens than I do, so the last time I was home I tried to pin her down for the recipe. Here are the notes I took:

Once I got home I looked at this piece of paper, realized it was nonsense, and a subsequent call ensued. Here is my adaptation of her greens recipe, based on what I think she said and what Jesus told me to do. (See Just Barely's Cooking with the Lord)

Grammy's Greens and Beans

Here's What You're Gonna Need:
Note: All amounts are based on, well, nothing at all. Like I said, grandmothers don't work in measurable amounts. They say things like "a couple of handfuls," and "some," and "depending on what you like," and "Do you want a Werther's Original?". This is what works for me. Feel free to adapt at will.

We're going to make a lot here so we can either freeze some or share with our friends and loved ones.

3ish tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (a couple of times around the pan)
4-5 garlic cloves, smashed then finely chopped
2+ teaspoons of crushed red pepper seeds (I like my greens spicy, so I err on the side of more.)

1 onion, chopped

3-4 stalks of celery, chopped, save the leafs if you have them
1/2 head of cabbage, shredded or finely chopped

3 lbs greens, using any combination of greens you want. My favorites are chard, turnip greens, beet greens, and spinach. You can also use collard greens, kale, etc.

1-3 12 oz can of vegetable broth or chicken broth (depending on whether or not your not eating animals includes not drinking them as well), or as much as needed to reach desired consistency. Before getting Grammy's recipe, I always made my greens something you eat with a fork as a side dish. Grammy makes her greens and beans almost into a soup, which is excellent and can serve as a main course. It's up to you.

6ish 12oz cans of the musical fruit. DO NOT DRAIN. Like the greens, there are many combos that will work here. Grammy's top two picks are butter beans and kidney beans so that's how I roll, but great northern and garbonzo beans are fine as well.

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:

Saute the garlic in olive oil over medium low heat until the garlic begins to speak (in tongues is preferable, but if you don't have garlic infused with the holy spirit, making little sizzling noises is okay, too.) Add the hot pepper seeds and saute for one or two minutes longer, being careful that your garlic doesn't burn.

Add the onion and continue to saute for another two minutes, or until onions begin to soften.

Add celery, cabbage and celery leafs and give it another two to three minutes.

Add greens, a couple of handfuls at a time, the toughest kind first. Add broth as you go to help the greens to cook down before you add the next round.

Once the greens have turned bright green and have had a chance to soften, add the rest of the broth and the beans, as well as the liquid from the beans.

Simmer for at least fifteen minutes, but you can really let this stuff go on low for hours. Like Grammy says, you can't overcook it.

Enjoy! Love, Grammy and Amy

A less soupy version makes for a great side dish.

Anti-Vampire Garlic Green Beans and Yellow Squash

There's nothing really funny about green beans and squash, they were just both left over in my fridge at the end of the week (ba da ching!), so I don't have a story for you. If you need a laugh, visit Just Barely and find out why Jesus wants you to eat doughnuts.

Anti-Vampire Garlic Green Beans and Yellow Squash

Here's what you're going to need:

1-2 lbs of fresh green beans (or however much you have in the fridge)
2 ish yellow/zephyr squash (again, just use what you have)
1 small onion, diced
2-3 large cloves of garlic, smashed and minced
olive oil
kosher salt
pepper (freshly ground is best)

And here's what you're gonna do:

Snip the ends off of the green beans and cut the squash into thin 2ish inch strips, kind of like match sticks. Only they're a good source of manganese and vitamin C instead of fire.

Start sauteing the garlic and onions in olive oil over medium heat. You're going to want enough olive oil to lightly coat the green beans and squash.

While the garlic and onions are sauteing, bring a couple of inches of water to a boil then steam the green beans and squash for two minutes. If you don't have a steam basket, then for Christ's sake, go buy yourself one. They're very useful. If buying a steam pot doesn't top your list of to-dos, then boil the green beans and squash in enough water to cover for about 2 1/2 - 3 minutes. When you're done steaming / boiling, stop the cooking and keep those green beans crisp by plunging those bad boys in ice water. Let them hang out there until the garlic and onions are tender and done to your liking.

Add the green beans and the squash to the garlic and onions, flavor with as much salt and pepper as your little heart desires, and continue to saute until heated throughout. This will take about fiveish minutes. Toss it all in a bowl to make sure everything's coated in a little olive oil and enjoy! Unless you're a vampire, in which case I guess die or vomit or whatever's supposed to happen when you eat garlic.

A Bok Choy and a Soba walked into a bar... and I was all, who the hell are you???

Okay, I kind of recognized the Soba from an earlier rendezvous involving some mushrooms and spinach in a soup, but when I reached into my weekly CSA grab bag and pulled out the bok choy, I was stumped. The Grand Master of the Crops told me it was bok choy and to treat it like any other green. So I told it off. Then I turned it into something delicious. That'll show it.

Bok Choy and Soba Noodles with Spicy Peanut Sauce

Here's what you're going to need:
(split into as needed groups for those of us with kitchen ADD)

1/4 cup orange juice
1/3 cup smooth peanut butter
1 Tbsp rice vinegar
1 Tbsp lime juice (fresh squeezed, if you got it)
1 Tbsp soy sauce
1 garlic clove, smashed
1 tsp dried red pepper seeds
---
1/4 cup canola oil

4 oz soba noodles (You can usually find these in the Asian cooking aisle of the grocery store. Buckwheat noodles will work fine if that's all you see.)
Asian sesame oil

1-2 cups of mixed baby greens
1 head of bok choy, baby or regular, thinly sliced

1/2 fancy pants (I believe people in the know call them "English") cucumber, cut into think strips
1 palmful (gun to my head=1/4ish cup?) chopped cilantro
1 tsp dried red pepper seeds

salted peanuts (optional)


And here's what you're gonna do:

Put the first group of ingredients (o.j., peanut butter, rice vinegar, lime juice, soy sauce, garlic, red pepper seeds) in the blender and turn it on. Now you can either take off the lid here and watch the fun unfold as you dump the canola oil in, or you can take the boring route and drizzle the oil in through the little hole thingy the blender people put in the top of the lid for just such an occasion. As always, it's up to you. Blend until it's... well, blended, I suppose.
If you're into planning ahead and smartness and whatnot, you can do this the day before and put the sauce in the fridge. Warm it up a little before you use it. Never in my life have I been prepared enough to do such a thing.

Break the soba noodles into thirds and cook them in a large pot of salted water according to the directions. You want them to be al dente. Drain, and hit them with some cold water when they're done. Drain again and then toss them with a little sesame oil.

Put the bok choy, greens, cucumber, and chopped cilantro in large bowl. Add the spicy peanut sauce from your blender (or from the ceiling, depending upon which method you chose), the noodles, and another sprinkling of red pepper. Toss. Season to taste with salt and pepper and top with a fistful of peanuts if you're so inclined.

Now aren't you worldly?

Being a Vegetarian is Making Me Fat and Crazy and Stuff Your Face Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

When I tell people I've become a vegetarian, they often times ask if I've lost weight as a result of cutting out meat. The answer is no. In fact, being a vegetarian has caused me to gain weight. Maybe it's the fact that I've replaced meat with doughnuts, but I've been telling myself it's more likely the vegetables' fault. Right?

But then, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I was heading to the new Dunkin' Donuts that just opened down the street from her office. "One opened near my house, too. It's changed my life. I eat about 60 doughnuts a week. Want me to pick you up anything before I come next time?" I should have just kept my mouth shut because it was then, with T minus 30 seconds to go in my appointment, that she had an Alleluia moment. "You know, your lack of concentration, the trouble you've been having falling asleep, and the fact that you're tired all of the time may be linked to the sugar from all of the doughnuts you've been eating. Maybe you should try cutting back." So now Dunkin' Donuts is not only making me fat, it's making me crazy as well. Perfect.

Now eat this:

Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

First, get yourself some big ass portobello mushrooms--one more than servings you need (so if you're feeding two people, buy three, etc). Scrape out the gills and cut off the stems. Toss the gills, but save the stems in a bowl. Check out your mushrooms. Take the one you've butchered the most, cut it up, and toss it in the bowl with the stems. Put the pretty ones in a shallow baking dish and throw some red wine on them--you don't need to completely cover them, just use enough to fill the caps a little. Drink the rest.

Meanwhile... Preheat your oven to 375. Smash up two or three (or four, depending on how many mushrooms you're making and the number of vampires in your area) cloves of garlic, chop them up, and saute them in some EVOO (two or three times around the pan) over medium heat. Add some hot pepper flakes to the mix. After your garlic has had some time to hang out and flavor the oil (about three minutes or so--don't burn it), add your mushroom pieces and a 1/2 can- 1 can of diced tomatoes (with most, but not all, of the juice drained). Saute for another two minutes, then add a couple of hand fulls of fresh baby spinach. After the spinach has had a chance to wilt, take your creation off of the heat and mix in enough Italian breadcrumbs to make it stuffingy. (You can add a little more EVOO if it needs it to reach stuffingish consistency.)

Drain your mushrooms of any wine they haven't soaked up (Don't drink this wine, unless you're desperate--in which case, go for it. We're here to eat, not judge.), rub the bottoms with a little olive oil, put them on cookie sheet lined with release foil, and stuff those bad boys. Top them off with some grated parm and shredded mozzarella--any amount your little heart desires. Put your mushrooms in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, or until the cheese melts and your mushrooms are nice and soft when you stab at them. Bon Appetit!

Note: I usually serve these mushrooms with a side of spinach and pine nut pasta because it's easy, I'm lazy, and that recipe calls for a lot of the same ingredients. These suckers are FILLING, though, so only make a smallish amount of pasta. Or make the whole damn thing. Again, I'm not here to judge.

Asian shrimp stew with steamed rice

As promised, here's the Asian shrimp stew recipe, taken from the March 2008 edition of Everyday Food. I don't know how Kosher it is to post recipes from magazines, so for the love of God don't tell Martha Stewart I gave you this. Or I'll shove a ham down your throat.

1 cup long grain white rice
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 yellow bell peppers (I used one yellow and one orange.) cut into 1 inch pieces
4 garlic cloves, sliced
2 tablespoons minced peeled fresh ginger (I don't like ginger, unless it's in the form of a tasty
man-shaped cookie, so I skipped it.)
1/4 teaspoon red-pepper flakes
4 scallions, white and green parts separated and thinly sliced
coarse salt
1 pound peeled and deviened medium shrimp (thawed if frozen), tails removed
1-2 tablespoons rice vinegar

1. Cook rice according to package instructions; set aside, covered. Meanwhile, place cornstarch in a medium bowl. Gradually whisk in coconut milk, sugar, and 1 cup water; set aside.

2. In a large skillet, heat oil over medium. Add bell peppers, onion, garlic, ginger, red-pepper flakes, and scallion whiles; season with salt. Cook, tossing frequently, until vegetables are crisp-tender, 6 to 8 minutes.

3. Add coconut milk mixture to skillet; raise heat to medium-high. Boil, stirring occasionally, until thickened, 1-2 minutes. Add shrimp, and cook just until opaque, 3-4 minutes. If necessary, adjust consistency of stew with a little bit of water; season with vinegar and salt to taste.

4. Fluff rice gently with a fork. Serve shrimp stew over rice, garnished with scallion greens.

I don't have much to add here, other than I might bump the coconut milk to 3/4 cup next time. Put extra rice vinegar and red-pepper flakes on the table--Steve and I both added more of each.