Portobello and Spinach Penne

Portobello and Spinach Penne
serves about 4

Here's What You're Gonna Need:

3-4 cloves of garlic, smashed and minced
1 tsp red pepper seeds (less if you're a wimp)

16 oz portobello mushroom caps (about 4 large caps), cut in half and sliced thin (gills on or off, your call)
2 tsp dried basil (we'll rock this fresh come spring and I'll let you know the adjustment)
12 oz fresh spinach (baby spinach or big leaves torn up to look like the heads of presidents)

4 Tbs butter
1/4 cup all purpose flour
2 cups milk (skim or 2% -- Cream or half and half is delicious and a convenient and mess-free way to off someone via heart attack. But you didn't hear that here.)
3 Tbs soy sauce
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

10-12 oz. whole grain or "Plus" penne
salt & pepper to taste
grated Parmesan, optional

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:
Don't be afraid of the lengthy instructions--it's not as complicated as it looks.

Preheat the oven to 350. Salt your pasta water and get it boiling.

Get yourself a big ass pan with a lid. Saute the garlic and red pepper seeds in a couple of table spoons of extra virgin olive oil over medium low heat for about 2-3 minutes, or until garlic starts to speak (preferably in a deep and sultry voice). Don't burn it or let it turn brown--we're just trying to flavor the oil here.

Add portobellos and basil, and allow the mushrooms to get soft and give up some of their moisture-about 3 minutes. You can use a little more olive oil here if you need to.


Add spinach to the pan in fist fulls, tossing in the oil and mushrooms as you go. Once the spinach is coated, knock the heat down to low, put the cover on the pot, and let it sit for five or ten minutes while you pour yourself a glass of wine and gather the other ingredients and get your penne cooking. You want it to come out al dente. I take mine off one minute before the instructions on the package say to.

Once the spinach is wilted, transfer the mushroom and spinach mixture to a holding bowl while you rock the sauce. You don't need to wash your pan, just get the big pieces of mushrooms and spinach out.

Back to the pan! The butter goes in over medium low heat. Once it's melted, whisk in the flour until it's smooth and golden brown. Slowly add the milk and continue to whisk so it starts to thicken. Stir in the soy sauce, then the cheese. Let it all melt and give it a couple of good stirs.

Put the pasta back in the pan with the cheese sauce. Stir in the mushroom and spinach mixture. Give it a taste and season with salt and pepper if you would like to do so. Mine was good as is.


Transfer everything to a lightly greased 9x13 baking dish. Top with grated parm if you would like to, then put it in the oven for 20 minutes. Eat and be glad.

Greens and Beans, the Musical Dish...

Like most grandmas, mine just cooks from the heart and knows exactly what to do as she goes along. Trivial matters such as amounts, timing, etc. matter not because grandmothers just use their 6th sense, the good cookin' one, which makes delicious meals as natural as breathing to them. My grandmother makes a different kind of greens than I do, so the last time I was home I tried to pin her down for the recipe. Here are the notes I took:

Once I got home I looked at this piece of paper, realized it was nonsense, and a subsequent call ensued. Here is my adaptation of her greens recipe, based on what I think she said and what Jesus told me to do. (See Just Barely's Cooking with the Lord)

Grammy's Greens and Beans

Here's What You're Gonna Need:
Note: All amounts are based on, well, nothing at all. Like I said, grandmothers don't work in measurable amounts. They say things like "a couple of handfuls," and "some," and "depending on what you like," and "Do you want a Werther's Original?". This is what works for me. Feel free to adapt at will.

We're going to make a lot here so we can either freeze some or share with our friends and loved ones.

3ish tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (a couple of times around the pan)
4-5 garlic cloves, smashed then finely chopped
2+ teaspoons of crushed red pepper seeds (I like my greens spicy, so I err on the side of more.)

1 onion, chopped

3-4 stalks of celery, chopped, save the leafs if you have them
1/2 head of cabbage, shredded or finely chopped

3 lbs greens, using any combination of greens you want. My favorites are chard, turnip greens, beet greens, and spinach. You can also use collard greens, kale, etc.

1-3 12 oz can of vegetable broth or chicken broth (depending on whether or not your not eating animals includes not drinking them as well), or as much as needed to reach desired consistency. Before getting Grammy's recipe, I always made my greens something you eat with a fork as a side dish. Grammy makes her greens and beans almost into a soup, which is excellent and can serve as a main course. It's up to you.

6ish 12oz cans of the musical fruit. DO NOT DRAIN. Like the greens, there are many combos that will work here. Grammy's top two picks are butter beans and kidney beans so that's how I roll, but great northern and garbonzo beans are fine as well.

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:

Saute the garlic in olive oil over medium low heat until the garlic begins to speak (in tongues is preferable, but if you don't have garlic infused with the holy spirit, making little sizzling noises is okay, too.) Add the hot pepper seeds and saute for one or two minutes longer, being careful that your garlic doesn't burn.

Add the onion and continue to saute for another two minutes, or until onions begin to soften.

Add celery, cabbage and celery leafs and give it another two to three minutes.

Add greens, a couple of handfuls at a time, the toughest kind first. Add broth as you go to help the greens to cook down before you add the next round.

Once the greens have turned bright green and have had a chance to soften, add the rest of the broth and the beans, as well as the liquid from the beans.

Simmer for at least fifteen minutes, but you can really let this stuff go on low for hours. Like Grammy says, you can't overcook it.

Enjoy! Love, Grammy and Amy

A less soupy version makes for a great side dish.

A Quiche to Appreciate

Last week was teacher appreciation week at the kids' preschool. As part of the appreciating, the parents provide breakfast for them every morning before school starts. Because I have the word "sucker" tattooed across my forehead (dumb spring break move--I tried to have it taken off later, but it's in there too deep), the director of the school asked me to take care of the brunch Thursday, and because I'm a sucker I said yes. It wasn't until like two days before the brunch that I realized my kids weren't even going to be in school that day--they were going to be in Omaha with my husband. But suckers never quit, so what did I do? I made quiche, that's what. And you should to. Here's an easy and seemingly idiot-proof method of quiche concocting. We're going to make two here, cause when you're making quiche, what the hell?

Here's what you're gonna need:

2 frozen/refrigerated pie crusts that you bought from the grocery store because you prefer drinking gin and doing crossword puzzles to making your own

1 small-medium onion, finely chopped

6 eggs

3 cups of some form of cow's milk*

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1/4 tsp cayenne

2 cups shredded cheese and your choice of filling
Filling ideas:

• swiss and spinach is a classic (use frozen spinach but make sure it is thawed and thoroughly squeezed dry so you don't jack up your idiot-proof quiche)
• feta and spinach (again with the thawing and good draining thing)
• cheddar chopped broccoli (frozen, again, is cheap and words great)
• swiss and asparagus (steam or roast asparagus in the oven until crisp-tender before putting it in quiche)
• BACOS and anything
  
• just cheese (You might want to up the cheese to 3 cups and use a mixture of cheeses, such as mild cheddar, colby and swiss for a fuller flavor.)

*If you weigh ten pounds or you're having the Queen or the Easter Bunny over for brunch, then use half n' half or whipping cream as this makes a quiche worthy of Jesus. Or the Easter Bunny. If you're only having say, a duchess or a lesser prophet over, then use half half n' half and half 2%. If it's just you and your dog, go with all 2%. Unless you have a magical golden dog that poops gold bars. You should probably use the half n' half for him.


And here's what you're gonna do:

Preheat oven to 425. Line a cookie sheet with foil and put your crusts on there before you fill them so you don't slop egg-stuff all over your oven.

Saute onion in a little bit of butter until tender.

Sprinkle cheese and onion in bottom of your pie crusts.

In a mixer beat eggs, salt, pepper and cayenne.* Pour on top of your filling, dividing evenly between your quiches.

*My mom makes up the egg mixture a day or two ahead of time and keeps it in giant ziplock bags in her fridge. I find this practice to be totally disgusting, because I find both raw eggs in bags and organization to be disgusting, but that's just me. Maybe doing the eggs ahead of time would be helpful to you.

Now when it comes to baking you have two choices. The perfect quiche method, or the tipsy-kitchen ADD method. Let's do the perfect one first. While you're reading it, have a drink or two then execute the second choice--who wants a perfect quiche, anyway?

Bake 15 mins at 425, then reduce oven to 350 and bake 30-45 mins longer, or until your quiche looks pretty set and your stick-in-food-to-see-if-it's-done stick isn't all yucky when it comes out. Cool and enjoy refrigerated or at room temperature.

--or---

You can do like I did for teacher appreciation quiches and invite a friend over for drinks and quiche making. Follow the directions above, but after the two of you get it in the quiche in the oven, pour yourselves big fat glasses of gin, set the oven timer for 15 mins, and then go sit on the patio and don't listen for said timer. After about an hour, remember about your quiches (possibly because of the smoke coming from your windows), pull them out of the oven, and come up with idiotic ways of making them look edible. We went with the saw-the-singed-crust-off-with-a-bread-knife then drive it over to the school and put it in the fridge without your name on it method. Nothing says teachers, weappreciate what you do for our children like a crustless, well done quiche. Bon Appetite!

Being a Vegetarian is Making Me Fat and Crazy and Stuff Your Face Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

When I tell people I've become a vegetarian, they often times ask if I've lost weight as a result of cutting out meat. The answer is no. In fact, being a vegetarian has caused me to gain weight. Maybe it's the fact that I've replaced meat with doughnuts, but I've been telling myself it's more likely the vegetables' fault. Right?

But then, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I was heading to the new Dunkin' Donuts that just opened down the street from her office. "One opened near my house, too. It's changed my life. I eat about 60 doughnuts a week. Want me to pick you up anything before I come next time?" I should have just kept my mouth shut because it was then, with T minus 30 seconds to go in my appointment, that she had an Alleluia moment. "You know, your lack of concentration, the trouble you've been having falling asleep, and the fact that you're tired all of the time may be linked to the sugar from all of the doughnuts you've been eating. Maybe you should try cutting back." So now Dunkin' Donuts is not only making me fat, it's making me crazy as well. Perfect.

Now eat this:

Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

First, get yourself some big ass portobello mushrooms--one more than servings you need (so if you're feeding two people, buy three, etc). Scrape out the gills and cut off the stems. Toss the gills, but save the stems in a bowl. Check out your mushrooms. Take the one you've butchered the most, cut it up, and toss it in the bowl with the stems. Put the pretty ones in a shallow baking dish and throw some red wine on them--you don't need to completely cover them, just use enough to fill the caps a little. Drink the rest.

Meanwhile... Preheat your oven to 375. Smash up two or three (or four, depending on how many mushrooms you're making and the number of vampires in your area) cloves of garlic, chop them up, and saute them in some EVOO (two or three times around the pan) over medium heat. Add some hot pepper flakes to the mix. After your garlic has had some time to hang out and flavor the oil (about three minutes or so--don't burn it), add your mushroom pieces and a 1/2 can- 1 can of diced tomatoes (with most, but not all, of the juice drained). Saute for another two minutes, then add a couple of hand fulls of fresh baby spinach. After the spinach has had a chance to wilt, take your creation off of the heat and mix in enough Italian breadcrumbs to make it stuffingy. (You can add a little more EVOO if it needs it to reach stuffingish consistency.)

Drain your mushrooms of any wine they haven't soaked up (Don't drink this wine, unless you're desperate--in which case, go for it. We're here to eat, not judge.), rub the bottoms with a little olive oil, put them on cookie sheet lined with release foil, and stuff those bad boys. Top them off with some grated parm and shredded mozzarella--any amount your little heart desires. Put your mushrooms in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, or until the cheese melts and your mushrooms are nice and soft when you stab at them. Bon Appetit!

Note: I usually serve these mushrooms with a side of spinach and pine nut pasta because it's easy, I'm lazy, and that recipe calls for a lot of the same ingredients. These suckers are FILLING, though, so only make a smallish amount of pasta. Or make the whole damn thing. Again, I'm not here to judge.

Spinach and Pine Nut Pasta

Anna has been kind enough to send us a recipe I think she made up for Spinach and pine nut pasta. She's made this for me in the past and, I got to tell ya, I'd probably make out with it if it wasn't... well, pasta. Hell, I might just make out with it anyway. Enjoy!

Spinach and Pine Nut Pasta

1 bag baby spinach
about 1/2 cup pinenuts (or however many you'd like)
2-3 cloves garlic
crushed red pepper
olive oil (enough to coat all the pasta, about 1/4-1/3 cup?)
salt and pepper
1 package spaghetti (or some other long noodley thing)

and, of course, if you want to make it half-assed add some shrimp a few minutes before you mix the sauce with the pasta.

Boil the pasta according to directions. While the pasta is cooking saute the pinenuts and crushed red pepper in a small saucepan. Add garlic, being careful to turn down heat so you don't burn it. Saute until pinenuts are slightly browned (and this is when you'd add the shrimp and saute for 3-4 minutes). Drain pasta and place back in pot. Add olive oil mixture to pot with pasta, add spinach and plenty of salt and pepper. Stir and quickly cover pot and let sit for a few minutes until spinach gets wilty. Stir again and eat.
Hope it turns out ok! The trick is to get the seasonings right, I always err on the side of too much (garlic, salt/pepper). Enjoy!