Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal with Steel Cut Oats

I recently found out that although my mother enjoys steel cut oats, she fears making them because they're sticky, fussy, have a knack for boiling over, and take forty-seven days to make. These are common fears among the oat eating populace, but it doesn't have to be that way! Rise up, friends, face your fears, and go for this half an hour non-fussy version of steel cut oats. You will survive. And you'll have a fabulous breakfast packed with protein, fiber, iron and other awesome things that will give you super powers such as x-ray vision and the ability to fly.* We're going to make a big batch so you'll only have to do it twice a week. (And by "it" I mean make oatmeal. You can do the other "it" as many times a week as you want. I'm not here to judge, just to make oats. And by "make oats" I mean have sex.)



Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal with Steel Cut Oats


Here's What You're Gonna Need:

1 cup of steel cut oats (if gluten is a concern, check to make sure the oats are certified gluten free)
3 cups of water

2 medium apples (red or green)
1/2-1 tsp cinnamon
a splash of vanilla extract (1/4ish tsp)

For individual servings (optional):
brown sugar
milled flax seed (Adds fiber, omega 3s, a little extra protein and a lovely nutty flavor. Do it!)
slivered almonds


And Here's What You're Gonna Do:

Bring three cups of water to a boil. Add oats and a small pinch of salt. Reduce the heat to medium-medium low (you want a low simmer, not an oatmeal volcano). Do not cover. Cook for about 20 minutes. Stir your oatmeal whenever you get the gumption to so so it doesn't stick.

While you're waiting on your oatmeal, work on the apples. Peel and dice apples into small pieces. Put them in a small pot with a couple of tablespoons of water. Add cinnamon and vanilla extract, slap a lid on it, and put it over high heat until the water comes to a boil. This won't take long. Cut the heat, keep the lid on, and let the apples steam for 5-10 minutes, or until desired state of firmness / mushiness is reached. You can also do this step in the microwave

After 20 minutes, take the oatmeal off of the heat, put the lid on, and let it hang out for at least five minutes or whenever it is you get hungry.

Heap today's serving in a bowl, stir in brown sugar (optional) and milled flax seed, top with apples and almonds and enjoy!

The rest of the oatmeal and apples will keep in the fridge for a couple of days. Reheat your oatmeal in the microwave--I usually add a splash of half and half before nuking. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

*ability to fly not guaranteed.

Cheddar Broccoli Quiche with Cornmeal Crust

Gluten Free Cheddar Broccoli Quiche with Cornmeal Crust

Want an egg dish for lunch or dinner? Well then step it up with this hearty quiche! Served with fruit, salad, and a bloody mary, it makes for a quick meal, especially if you make it ahead of time. It's also perfect to pack for lunch, but unless you have a really cool boss you're gonna want to put that bloody mary in a thermos.

Here's What You're Gonna Need:

Crust:
1 cup cornmeal
4 Tbs cold butter
1 egg, beaten
1/2 tsp water
Whatever seasonings your heart desires (salt, pepper, garlic powder, cayenne...)

Filling:
1/3ish cup finely chopped onion, lightly browned
frozen chopped broccoli (little pieces, not florets), thawed (eyeball the amount you want-likely 4-6oz)
3/4ish cup shredded cheddar cheese
4 eggs
2 cups 2% milk (skim, whipping cream, or half and half will work, too, depending on how much weight you're looking to gain via quiche)
salt, pepper, cayenne to taste (maybe 1/4ish teaspoon each)

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:
Get your onions browning then rock the crust first. Preheat the oven to 350.

Cut butter into small pieces and pulse it with the cornmeal and your seasonings in the food processor until it looks crumbish. If your mom didn't hand down her 1970s 300lb food processor to you and you haven't bought yourself one, you can use your hands and kind of pluck at it until it crumbishness happens.

Add 1/2 tsp water to the beaten egg and combine with the cornmeal mixture, either with your hands or by pulsing it in the blender. And now you have a lump of crust.

Pat the lump of crust into the bottom of a lightly greased (optional if you're going gluten-free and don't want to use cooking spray) pie or pastry pan and as far up the sides of the pan as it'll go. The crust should be thin.

Bake the crust for ten minutes or so before adding the filling.

While that's baking...
Beat eggs, whichever milk product you chose, and salt, pepper and cayenne together with a mixer. Finishing browning those onions and briefly nuke the broccoli if it's not thawed.

When your crust comes out of the oven, put a foil lined cookie sheet under it if you're prone to slopping stuff all over the place like myself. Add the onions, broccoli and cheddar cheese to the bottom of the crust. Pour in your egg mixture (it's okay if the eggs go above the crust, as long as it all stays in the pan) and put that bad boy in the oven.

Time is tricky on quiche. It can take up to an hour, but start stabbing it after about 40 minutes or so to check for doneness. Let your quiche cool on the counter for at least 20 minutes so it sets, or pop it in the fridge for up to 3 or 4 days. You can warm it for dinner or just eat it cold for lunch. Or go cold for dinner and warm for lunch if you want to be difficult.

Let's Get Sauced!

I bet a lot of you clicked on this link thinking you were going to get another story about the misuses of vodka or the mishaps of too much gin. Instead you get applesauce. Too bad for you. Although what you do / drink while your getting applesauced is entirely up to you. I know what I'm going to do...

Apples are in season and pretty cheap-o right now, and I am physically unable to walk past a fruit that's on sale for $1 lb (What's that? Fecal Fruit is on sale for $1 lb? Sweet! I'll take 5 lbs!). These two factors have left me with over 15 lbs of apples currently in my fridge (just weighed them). I have to do something with a them before my husband realizes the beer has been displaced to make room for this absurd amount of apples, so I'm going with applesauce. If you happen to be housing a bumper crop of pears, as well, then that's even better. Apple and apple-pear sauce is absurdly easy to make, makes your house smell wonderful, and people who eat applesauce out of a jar think you're way fancy if you serve up some warm homemade applesauce for dinner. Plus you can put it on those oatmeal pancakes I told you about last week, making you one brilliant individual.

Homemade Apple/Apple-Pear Sauce

Here's what you're gonna need:
This recipe serves 4-5. Double or triple it at will, depending on the absurdity of your fruit situation. You can freeze any leftovers in quart size freezer bags and thaw at will for future fancy and non-fancy dinners.

3 large apples, skinned (some skin left on is okay) and cut into large chunks
2-3 pears (bartlett pears work well, but any kind will do), also skinned and cut into chunks
-or-
5-6 large apples, skinned (some skin left on is okay) and cut into large chunks

3/4 cup water
3/4 Tbs butter (optional)
a splash of vanilla
cinnamon, to taste

And here's what you're gonna do:
Throw all of the ingredients into a largeish pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 20-30 mins, or until your favorite kitchen stabber stabs with ease. Mash the whole mess up with a potato masher to whatever consistency you desire-you can go chunky or smooth here. It doesn't get any easier than that, folks. Go forth and be fancy!
--
Have any of you ever made apple-sweet potato sauce? I was going to give it a whirl but I didn't have any sweet potatoes so I thought I'd tap into your wisdom before I go buy some and spoil any of my precious pounds of apples...

I'm Not Fooling Anyone Good-For-You-Pancakes

I'm Not Fooling Anyone Good-For-You-Pancakes

I'm big into making a game out of making food healthier by either adding a secret ingredient (there's wheat germ in your smoothy-ta da!), substituting an ingredient for something healthier (like smurf farts for oil), or just plain making something good out of a shocking ingredient (like the chocolate cupcakes I made out of black beans). I love watching someone enjoying something I've "secretly" made healtheir and then delivering the big reveal after they've finished it--There I sit, on the edge of my seat waiting for some sort of outlandish reaction that I never get because my husband likes pretty much everything, and my kids think broccoli and endamame are special treats. Kids: There's black beans in the cupcakes? Hooray, we love black beans! Me: Damn it. Husband: I don't know why you take so much pleasure in trying to trick us. We don't care. One of these days I'm going to trick you by making chocolate cupcakes out of the cat and wait to see if you notice. Me: You can't make me cupcakes out of the cat because eating the cat is not vegetarian, so there. (real conversation)

These pancakes aren't fooling anyone, though--they're made out of oats, for christsake. So here it is ahead of time: They're full of fiber, have a considerable amount of protein, are low in sugar, have added Omega 3s, and no cats were injured in the making. So there, I've said it. Eat up.

Whole Wheat Oatmeal Pancakes

Here's What You're Gonna Need:
1 1/4 cups Old Fashioned Oats (not instant!)
1 1/2 cups skim or 2% milk

1 egg
3/4 Tbs canola oil

1 cup whole wheat pastry flour (if you can't find whole wheat pastry flour, regular whole wheat flour is fine)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground flax seed
1/2 tsp cinnamon

optional: no sugar added mixed berry or plain applesauce

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:
Combine oats and milk in a medium sized bowl and let sit for five minutes so the oats have a chance to soak up some milk and soften a little. While you're waiting, preheat your griddle or skillet over medium heat.

Beat the egg and milk in a separate bowl, then mix into the the oats. Add the dry ingredients (the last group) and mix until they're just blended (over-mixing = sticky pancakes).

Spray a skillet preheated over medium heat with a little pam, cook 'em, flip 'em, and cook the other side (about 3 mins per side, depending on thickness). The flax seed in these pancakes is going to make them brown faster, so spread the batter thinish and be sure to smash your pancakes down with the spatula when you flip them if yours are on the plumper side so the interior cooks as quickly as the exterior.

I usually top oatmeal pancakes with some sort of applesauce (berry or regular) instead of syrup. It tastes great and keeps the blatantly healthy theme going.

Post Script: As it turns out, I have been poisoning myself with apples here when I could be injecting good-for-you maple syrup. See Anna's comment below. Phew-glad she loves my health almost as well as she loves biology!

Smitten By My Stove Zucchini Banana Bread

Disclaimer: I can't personally vouch for the awesomeness of this creation since mine turned out, well... in the garbage can. But that's because the kitchen gods smote me, not because the recipe sucks. Here's what happened. I wanted to bake something for my friend Meg, who was good enough to find Ella some hand-me-down uniforms for this upcoming school year. Meg wears ironed aprons, has perfectly parted hair, and served us grilled angel food cake with strawberries on china for a play date snack. I even had a saucer for my coffee. This, after I offered up a frozen pizza and whatever the kids could find on the kitchen floor when she came to our house. Needless to say, I needed a pretty good baked good for this domestic diva, so I fancied up a traditional banana bread recipe, poured the batter into my best bread pan--the one without the rust on the bottom--popped it in my oven, and waited for its glorious completion. I wasn't sure how long it would take since this was a new creation and I like my bread moist (that sounds like it should be dirty, but I can't think of how), so after 30 minutes I pulled it out to check on it. After stabbing the bread with a kabob stick I decided it still had a while to go and opened the oven door to put it back in. Only instead of opening like a normal oven would do for a normal cook, my oven door fell apart in my hands. With an underdone bread in one hand and an oven mitt in the other, I first caught the door handle as it pulled off the door, then the door frame and, finally, the glass panel from the front of the oven. Yet somehow, through all of this, the door itself did not open. "Steve, I need you!" I shouted to my husband upstairs. "Come quick, it's an emergency!" "Oh, *%$!," he proclaimed as he ran into the kitchen and grabbed a screw driver. "No time for fixes!" I shrieked, "Get the crow bar and pry open the oven! I'll hold the glass and the front of the stove for the next 15 minutes! We need to get Meg's banana bread back in there, STAT!" Steve, who knows nothing about aprons, or play dates, or parted hair, did not share my sense of urgency to save the bread and instead saved the oven door. By the time he was done, it was too late. I tried to make him eat the underdone bread as a punishment, but the batter stuck in his throat. Anyway, mine ended up in the garbage can, but if you're not in possession of demon appliances I'm sure yours will be divine.

Smitten Zucchini Banana Bread

Here's What You're Gonna Need:
(as always, divided into groups for those like myself with kitchen ADD)

1 cup white flour
1 cup wheat flour
1 cup oats (rolled or quick or stolen from a horse or whatever)
1/2 cup wheat germ
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt

4 eggs

1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup oil
1/2 cup applesauce
2-3 overripe bananas (The grosser the better. Unless they have fruit flies. That's too gross.), thoroughly mashed.

1 tsp vanilla

2 smallish or 1 big honkin green zucchini--shred, then give it a quick squeeze in a paper towel to get some of the moisture out.
1 cup walnuts and/or whatever makes you happy (raisins, chocolate chips, bacos, whatever)


And Here's What You're Gonna Do:

Preheat oven to 350. Grease 2 9X5 loaf pans or at least 2 muffin tins.

Whisk together the first group of ingredients (flours, wheat germ, oats, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt).

In a different big bowl, beat the eggs. Add the sugars, oil, applesauce and mashed bananas. Add vanilla and mix it all up.

Pour the dry ingredients into the big bowl of wet ones and stir until just combined. Fold in the zucchini, walnuts, and whatever else you got.

Pour into loaf pans.

Bake, I'm guessing, 45ish mins for bread, 35ish for muffins, or until your favorite baking stabber comes out dry.

Then please mail to my friend Meg and say it's from me.

A Quiche to Appreciate

Last week was teacher appreciation week at the kids' preschool. As part of the appreciating, the parents provide breakfast for them every morning before school starts. Because I have the word "sucker" tattooed across my forehead (dumb spring break move--I tried to have it taken off later, but it's in there too deep), the director of the school asked me to take care of the brunch Thursday, and because I'm a sucker I said yes. It wasn't until like two days before the brunch that I realized my kids weren't even going to be in school that day--they were going to be in Omaha with my husband. But suckers never quit, so what did I do? I made quiche, that's what. And you should to. Here's an easy and seemingly idiot-proof method of quiche concocting. We're going to make two here, cause when you're making quiche, what the hell?

Here's what you're gonna need:

2 frozen/refrigerated pie crusts that you bought from the grocery store because you prefer drinking gin and doing crossword puzzles to making your own

1 small-medium onion, finely chopped

6 eggs

3 cups of some form of cow's milk*

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1/4 tsp cayenne

2 cups shredded cheese and your choice of filling
Filling ideas:

• swiss and spinach is a classic (use frozen spinach but make sure it is thawed and thoroughly squeezed dry so you don't jack up your idiot-proof quiche)
• feta and spinach (again with the thawing and good draining thing)
• cheddar chopped broccoli (frozen, again, is cheap and words great)
• swiss and asparagus (steam or roast asparagus in the oven until crisp-tender before putting it in quiche)
• BACOS and anything
  
• just cheese (You might want to up the cheese to 3 cups and use a mixture of cheeses, such as mild cheddar, colby and swiss for a fuller flavor.)

*If you weigh ten pounds or you're having the Queen or the Easter Bunny over for brunch, then use half n' half or whipping cream as this makes a quiche worthy of Jesus. Or the Easter Bunny. If you're only having say, a duchess or a lesser prophet over, then use half half n' half and half 2%. If it's just you and your dog, go with all 2%. Unless you have a magical golden dog that poops gold bars. You should probably use the half n' half for him.


And here's what you're gonna do:

Preheat oven to 425. Line a cookie sheet with foil and put your crusts on there before you fill them so you don't slop egg-stuff all over your oven.

Saute onion in a little bit of butter until tender.

Sprinkle cheese and onion in bottom of your pie crusts.

In a mixer beat eggs, salt, pepper and cayenne.* Pour on top of your filling, dividing evenly between your quiches.

*My mom makes up the egg mixture a day or two ahead of time and keeps it in giant ziplock bags in her fridge. I find this practice to be totally disgusting, because I find both raw eggs in bags and organization to be disgusting, but that's just me. Maybe doing the eggs ahead of time would be helpful to you.

Now when it comes to baking you have two choices. The perfect quiche method, or the tipsy-kitchen ADD method. Let's do the perfect one first. While you're reading it, have a drink or two then execute the second choice--who wants a perfect quiche, anyway?

Bake 15 mins at 425, then reduce oven to 350 and bake 30-45 mins longer, or until your quiche looks pretty set and your stick-in-food-to-see-if-it's-done stick isn't all yucky when it comes out. Cool and enjoy refrigerated or at room temperature.

--or---

You can do like I did for teacher appreciation quiches and invite a friend over for drinks and quiche making. Follow the directions above, but after the two of you get it in the quiche in the oven, pour yourselves big fat glasses of gin, set the oven timer for 15 mins, and then go sit on the patio and don't listen for said timer. After about an hour, remember about your quiches (possibly because of the smoke coming from your windows), pull them out of the oven, and come up with idiotic ways of making them look edible. We went with the saw-the-singed-crust-off-with-a-bread-knife then drive it over to the school and put it in the fridge without your name on it method. Nothing says teachers, weappreciate what you do for our children like a crustless, well done quiche. Bon Appetite!

How to Rock a Blueberry Muffin (Instead of a Doughnut)

In a (failed) attempt to distract myself from Dunkin' Donuts, I rocked some blueberry muffins with my super hero health powers the other day. And because I'm caring as well as magical, I shall share with you my healthier version of an old classic. They're a little time intensive (but that's probably just because I have kitchen ADD--add some flour, eat a snack, etc), so we're making a big ass batch here. They freeze really well, so stash some away for the next time the doughnut demons come stalking you.

Here's what you're gonna need:
(I split ingredients into groupings of when you'll need them because without a visual reminder I just keep adding stuff to the bowl with complete disregard for the rightful order of things. Again, kitchen ADD.)

2 cups whole wheat flour
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup wheat germ
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons milled brown flax seed
--
1 stick + 6 tablespoons unsalted butter* (room temperature or slightly softened in the microwave)
2/3 cup sugar
2/3 cup packed light brown sugar
--
4 eggs
4-5 (depending on size) crazy old bananas (like, you want these suckers are borderline gross)
2/3 cup 2% milk
2 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
--
2 1/2 cups frozen blueberries (organic wild blueberries work best, b/c they're smaller and usually more flavorful, but don't let your possession of regular frozen blueberries stop you from rocking these muffins)

*(I know this seems like a lot of butter, but we're actually substituting flax seed for the even greater amount of butter it would take to make these muffins if we weren't rocking them. And remember, it's nothing compared to the nutritional value of the doughnut from which we're trying to distract ourselves here. I only had 6 tablespoons of flax seed, or I might have tried switching out even more for less butter. If you dare tinker around here, try substituting 3 more tablespoons flax seed for 1 tablespoon butter. Let me know how it goes, Dr. Frankenstein.)

And here's what you're gonna to do:

Preheat your oven to 375. Line two 1 dozen muffin tins with paper liners.

In a large bowl, whisk/blend/sift/put a lid on the bowl and shake/mix with your hands the flour, wheat germ, baking soda, salt and flax seed.

In another big bowl or in your mixer, beat butter, sugar and brown sugar until fluffy and lovely. Add in the eggs one at a time, beating after each one.

In yet another bowl (we're making a grand mess here, folks), mash the hell out of those verge-of-rotten bananas, then stir the milk and vanilla into your beautiful banana mess.

Put your mixer on low and add the flour mixture and the banana mixture to the butter and sugar mixture. The flour and bananas are going to have to take turns here, going flour stuff, banana stuff, flour stuff, etc into the bowl. Try to end on a flour stuff and for God's sake, don't over mix it. Tip: If you have one of those plastic flexible cutting board dealies, fashion it into a shoot and pour the flour down it and into the mixing bowl, so as not to blow flour all over your kitchen like I did the first (and second) time I rocked these muffins.

Fold in the still frozen blueberries.

Very lighty spray your paper liners, and add the muffin mix. You'll get about two dozen regular size muffins, plus maybe three or four of those big ass ones (you have to have a special pan for such a thing) that are great because you can pretend you're only eating two muffins (reasonable) when in reality you're eating the equivalent of four (less reasonable).

Bake for about 25 minutes, or until your poking-at-things stick comes clean. Let them cool for a minute, then turn them out onto a rack to finish cooling. (Then drive to Dunkin' Donuts and get yourself a chocolate glazed doughnut to tide you over while you're waiting for them to cool.)

Enjoy!