Spend your money on beer, not salsa!

I know this isn't a picture of salsa, I just wanted to use it because my cat is up to no good in the background. Anyway, on with the salsa!

A friend of mine (Shout out to APB!) handed down this easy salsa recipe years ago, and I haven't bought salsa since. Okay, that's a lie. But I only rarely buy it.

Here's What You're Gonna Need:
(all measurements are "about...")

1 big clove of garlic, smashed
1 jalapeno (seeds and ribs in or out--it's up to you!), diced
1 small green chile, diced*
a palmful of cilantro
2 cups of diced tomatoes* (A smaller tomato like Roma works best. Scoop out seeds.)

*If you don't have fresh tomatoes and chiles, you can also use a can of diced tomatoes with chiles, or just leave the chile out.

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:

Put all of the ingredients together and either use a stick blender on it like I do, or pulse it in the food processor. THE END. It's really that easy. Why would you ever buy salsa again???

For a lighter salsa, try adding lime (garlic optional here) or, for a smokier taste, substitute a chile in adobo for the jalapeno.

Speaking of caterpillars...

Look what I found munching on my tomato plant!


It is, of course, now in a container on my counter where, for the past five days, it has been fed a steady diet of tomato branches mostly because I am fascinated by how much the thing can eat--and how quickly it goes to town on those leaves. As a result of his steady gorging, Mr. Hookworm is ginormous. I almost fear for my cat.

Shall we name him? Any suggestions? I kind of like Captain Hookworm...

Low-Fat Spicy Black Bean and Corn Enchiladas

Low-Fat Spicy Black Bean and Corn Enchiladas
serves 3-4

Here's What You're Gonna Need

2 15oz cans black beans, drained
32oz bag frozen corn
4-5 green onions, white and light green parts, sliced thin
2 fresh tomatoes, chopped, if you got 'em, or 1 15 oz can diced tomatoes, drained
1 15 oz can diced tomatoes with chilies is also an option if you'd like to add a little more heat
optional: 1/8 tsp (or to taste) cayenne

12-15 (6 in) corn tortillas
2 15 oz cans red or green (tomatilla) medium or hot enchilada sauce

1 cup low fat* (2% milk) shredded cheese (cheddar, colby, and colbyjack work well)
You may also use fat free cheese here, but it won't melt as well. I suggest using half 2% and half fat free.

low fat / fat free sour cream
salsa verde (green / tomatilla salsa)

If desired: shredded lettuce, avacados, diced tomatoes, sliced jalapenos

And Here's What You're Gonna Do:
Preheat oven to 375.

Combine the first group of ingredients, and heat over medium heat until heated through, gently stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile, stack tortillas on a microwave safe plate, cover with a damp paper towel, and microwave for 1 minute to make them pliable so they can bend to your culinary will.

Coat the bottom of a 9x13 baking dish with a thin layer of enchilada sauce.

While you're coating things, coat each tortilla in enchilada sauce, fill with bean and corn mixture, roll and place seam side down in the baking dish. It's okay if it makes a complete mess. These guys are going to be a tight fit, but jam 'em in there.

Add any leftover corn and beans to the top of the enchiladas and coat with any leftover enchilada sauce. Top with cheese.

Bake uncovered for about 15 to 20 minutes or until bubbling. Remember, fat-free cheese isn't going to completely melt, so don't go by the topping--look for the sauce to bubble.

Top individual servings with sour cream, salsa, and anything else your little heart desires. Enjoy!

Goatless Goat Cheese and Vegetable Bruschetta

After extensive research I have discovered that goat cheese is made from the milk of goats, not goats, making it a delicious meat-free choice. Unless, of course, you get a piece of a goat teet or something in there--then I don't think it can be considered vegetarian anymore. Plus, goat cheese give the appearance of sophistocation so the next time you go to the pool or park or something you can sit down next to someone and be all, "Oh, you're having string cheese today? How droll. We eat Goat Cheese on my side of the tracks." Then fan yourself importantly and invite yourself over to the commoner with the string cheese's house for dinner and offer to bring an appetizer. Now go get yourself some teet-free goat cheese and let's put on airs!

Note: This recipe makes A LOT of roasted vegetables--enough to serve vegetable bruschetta as an appetizer at a dinner party. Even if it's just you and the cat, make it all--we're going to use the vegetables you don't use for the bruschetta for something else later this week.

Here's what you're gonna need:

One of each of the following*:
green zucchini
yellow zucchini
large portobello mushroom (or a couple of shitake mushrooms)
red bell pepper
orange or yellow bell pepper
japanese eggplant
tomato (or 2 Roma tomatoes or a handful of cherry or grape tomatoes)
medium red or white onion

*I've found this is a great combination of vegetables for making bruschetta (or solving crime), but if you don't use all of them it won't be the end of the world. The important thing is to get a good mix of colors and flavors so you can show your friends and neighbors how sophisticated you are.

olive oil
balsomic vinegar

4oz plain goat cheese

1 whole wheat or multi-grain baguette

And here's what you're gonna do:

Chop all of the vegetables into 1/2 -1/4 in pieces, placing them in a large bowl as you go. Toss with enough balsamic vinegar to coat. Add salt and pepper to taste and enough olive oil to coat and toss again. Set aside on the counter to marinate for at least a half an hour, mixing the vegetables occasionally with your hands.

Preheat oven to 425.

Line a large cookie sheet with release foil. Spread the vegetables out on the cookie sheet, making sure they are all coated in marinade. Roast vegetables for 20-25 minutes, or until they are tender and the peppers are starting to brown around the edges. Remove from the oven, slide the vegetables and any marinade remaining on the cookie sheet back into the large bowl from before and let cool for at least five minutes.

While the vegetables are cooling off, slice as much of the bagette as needed for your crowd or lack there of. Cutting the bread on the bias allows more surface area to smother with goat cheese and toppings as well as reinforces the idea of your fanciness. Lay the bread out on a cookie sheet (the same one as before if you're a savvy non-dishwasher) and brush the tops with olive oil. Broil for about 5 minutes, or until lightly browned and toasty. For God's sake, stay in the kitchen and keep an eye on your bread or you'll light it on fire like I--I mean, someone I know named... Samy-- did last time I made bruschetta.

Now you have some deciding to do. Just how much bruschetta are you going to need here? You're going to want to pile vegetables high on the toasts, so err on the side of lots. Spoon as much of your vegetable mixture as needed to generously top your toast into your food processor or blender and pulse lightly for a few seconds. You don't want puree here--think very chunky salsa. Stow the rest of your vegetables away in a tupperware in the fridge for later this week--I'll tell you what to do with those suckers later. For now focus!

Spread a happy amount of goat cheese on each of your toasts and top with roasted vegetables. Drizzle on any left over juices/marinade for an extra foo foo touch. Now look how sophisticated you look! Can I get your number?

Being a Vegetarian is Making Me Fat and Crazy and Stuff Your Face Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

When I tell people I've become a vegetarian, they often times ask if I've lost weight as a result of cutting out meat. The answer is no. In fact, being a vegetarian has caused me to gain weight. Maybe it's the fact that I've replaced meat with doughnuts, but I've been telling myself it's more likely the vegetables' fault. Right?

But then, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I was heading to the new Dunkin' Donuts that just opened down the street from her office. "One opened near my house, too. It's changed my life. I eat about 60 doughnuts a week. Want me to pick you up anything before I come next time?" I should have just kept my mouth shut because it was then, with T minus 30 seconds to go in my appointment, that she had an Alleluia moment. "You know, your lack of concentration, the trouble you've been having falling asleep, and the fact that you're tired all of the time may be linked to the sugar from all of the doughnuts you've been eating. Maybe you should try cutting back." So now Dunkin' Donuts is not only making me fat, it's making me crazy as well. Perfect.

Now eat this:

Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms

First, get yourself some big ass portobello mushrooms--one more than servings you need (so if you're feeding two people, buy three, etc). Scrape out the gills and cut off the stems. Toss the gills, but save the stems in a bowl. Check out your mushrooms. Take the one you've butchered the most, cut it up, and toss it in the bowl with the stems. Put the pretty ones in a shallow baking dish and throw some red wine on them--you don't need to completely cover them, just use enough to fill the caps a little. Drink the rest.

Meanwhile... Preheat your oven to 375. Smash up two or three (or four, depending on how many mushrooms you're making and the number of vampires in your area) cloves of garlic, chop them up, and saute them in some EVOO (two or three times around the pan) over medium heat. Add some hot pepper flakes to the mix. After your garlic has had some time to hang out and flavor the oil (about three minutes or so--don't burn it), add your mushroom pieces and a 1/2 can- 1 can of diced tomatoes (with most, but not all, of the juice drained). Saute for another two minutes, then add a couple of hand fulls of fresh baby spinach. After the spinach has had a chance to wilt, take your creation off of the heat and mix in enough Italian breadcrumbs to make it stuffingy. (You can add a little more EVOO if it needs it to reach stuffingish consistency.)

Drain your mushrooms of any wine they haven't soaked up (Don't drink this wine, unless you're desperate--in which case, go for it. We're here to eat, not judge.), rub the bottoms with a little olive oil, put them on cookie sheet lined with release foil, and stuff those bad boys. Top them off with some grated parm and shredded mozzarella--any amount your little heart desires. Put your mushrooms in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, or until the cheese melts and your mushrooms are nice and soft when you stab at them. Bon Appetit!

Note: I usually serve these mushrooms with a side of spinach and pine nut pasta because it's easy, I'm lazy, and that recipe calls for a lot of the same ingredients. These suckers are FILLING, though, so only make a smallish amount of pasta. Or make the whole damn thing. Again, I'm not here to judge.

Freezer Burritos and a Period made of gold

Been drinking soy milk. Still no improvement in the size of my boobs, but the last time I got my period it was made of gold.
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Here's a good recipe for burritos that you can made ahead of time and leave in the fridge until the next day or freeze until the day before you decide you're no longer a vegetarian.

1 cup of brown rice (cooled)
2 cans of black beans
1 can pinto beans
1/2 can whole kernel corn
1 can diced tomatoes and green chilies or an equal amount of salsa
as much cheese as your little heart desires
8-10 flour tortillas (the big ass kind)

Rinse and drain black beans and pinto beans. Put the black beans, pinto beans, corn and died tomatoes in a mixing bowl and mix it all up. Toss in the rice and cheese and mix it up again. Fill the tortillas up with the mixture and wrap those suckers up like burritos. If you want to freeze them, wrap them up in plastic wrap and put them in a freezer bag. You can also freeze the filling and the tortillas separately. Defrost them in the microwave when it's burrito time again. If you're going to eat your babies now, you can slap some sour cream on the tortilla first and add guacamole or just cut up avocados--that stuff doesn't freeze well, though, so if you want it on the frozen ones you're going to have to add it after they thaw.